Something occurred to me this weekend. I was getting ready for a set, and I was really uncomfortable with the wardrobe. Was it too risque? Was it too revealing? No, that’s the problem. It was very 50’s housewife. I started to feel trapped and anxious. I literally started having a mini panic attack. Why? Why on earth would it bother me? I had to address it. I am more comfortable in front of the camera, in front of people, in front of the audience in less. Because I can hide. Slight of hand. Look at what the left hand is doing while the right hand is hiding everything away. When my skin is exposed, I know you’re looking at skin. And I know you’re not looking into my soul. Because that is my deepest fear. That you will look into me, and I wont be able to hide.
I am not perfect. Stop expecting me to be. I am not a perfect wife, mother, friend, lover. Stop falling apart when you see suddenly that I have flaws and faults. Don’t blame me when I don’t live up to your expectation. I have never been anything other than what I am. I have been honest about my shortcomings. You didn’t hear or didn’t listen. And now when things are not so good, this is when my flaws will be most glaring. Help me get through, or sit down. I don’t need your “think positives” “don’t dwell on the negative” bs. Not all things in life have a silver lining. No really, they don’t. Sometimes things are just bad, and you deal with it or you let it crush you. I choose to deal with it. It’s not your choice, it’s not your decision, and its not up to you HOW I try to fix it. Sometime soon, things will be not so bad again. And then things will be good again. And I will be good again. Until then, bear with me and cut me a little slack. Or don’t. But know if you can’t, I can’t deal with you either.
Sometimes the heart feels so much pain it pushes tears no mortal could contain. And when it is a mother’s heart, broken by the child she’s given life, what pit could hold the quantity of sorrow brought forth by a quick tongue, sharp as a knife? My tears shall never cease.